Getting ready for a busy weekend at work.  New Year's Weekend at Harrah's Cherokee Casino!!  Should be rockin'...  Even though I am working, I am glad to be spending time with my friends.  So much going on, it should be exciting and fun...
I am sure the new year will bring new challenges but I have faith it will be so much better than 2011!  I am ready to start my new life...  We haven't had much winter yet, I hope we get by with minimal weather.  I am sooo looking forward to spring!  I will hold my head high and forge on toward the joy that is coming....
Lord, lift me up, on wings, like an eagle....  You can carry me through any and all trials.
I will be a better person through all of this.  I am so thankful for the people in my life who continually remind me of the strength I am showing them.  The testimony you are giving me is a wonderful blessing.  For that, I am so thankful!

Each day I have thought about what to post.  I have had trial after trial as this year closes.  I have never had such a difficult Christmas or holiday season before; I hope to never have another one again.  I look forward to 2012 with anticipation of a "new beginning" so to speak.
Nobody said it would be easy, but I trust it will be worth it!  I have faith!  It it weren't for my faith, hope, joy, love, I wouldn't have made it this far.  Each day I realize the strength and courage I have, to have come this far - I know I will make it through!  I tend to think on many song lyrics along the way.  Right now, one of my favorites to reflect on says, " the pain you are feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming"....  I DO believe this to be true.... : )

Feels like I am on an erratic roller coaster... Up, down, up, down.......  I just hope it doesn't break!!  My emotions are so out of control.  I am trying to wait patiently for the "happy medium".....
I suppose having forty some years to deal with may take a while.  I find myself continually going back, sometimes waaayyy back in time, to find myself and grab my hand and heart and heal whatever hurt(s) are lingering.....  Children are so vulnerable.  The pains start at such a young age.  Depending on the circumstances, pain can be so real so soon in our lives.  This makes me aware of how rough it must be for so many kids these days. : (     Parents try to do their best; sometimes their best just isn't good enough.
So we are left on our own to find a way to put the pieces back together and make our lives work for us.  To find peace, joy and happiness.  Unfortunately so many people don't ever have the courage to go out and find these things for themselves.
I am so thankful I have found the courage!  Through every struggle, every heartache, every tear, I know I am closer to finding my true peace, joy and happiness...
For that Lord, I am Thankful!!

PEACE....
Oh Lord, give me the peace that surpasses all understanding.....  I have had that peace before, I am ready for it again!  My life has felt like it has been in turmoil for quit a while....
Not that I haven't created the turmoil; I know I have.  I just need your help in letting these deep breaths bring me closer, oh so closer to the peace you offer.  The tears are Healing, one by one...., day by day...., night by night....; I now need to feel surrounded, engulfed by peace in order to begin to move on.
Each step I take brings me closer - I'm getting there - I'm trying to take it slowly; I just struggle so much at times....
You have given me some great inspirations, through people I have around, to help me; for that I am sooo thankful!  Some days it feels like time can't go by quick enough; on the other hand I don't want to rush my life away.  Your plan for my life is greater than anything I can even begin to imagine....
Just help me Lord to feel Your Peace as I wait for Your Plan for my life to unfold......  AMEN
A flower can only bloom when the conditions are right.....

So many trials.... I think I have to be completely done talking to Rob.  When we last talked on Dec. 10th what he said last put me over the edge.  It showed me how easily he can affect and hurt me.  I will not allow that in my life any longer.  Ever since then he has been trying to contact me one way or another.  I have ignored his text messages and told Kaitlyn to tell him I didn't want to talk to him.  Maybe he will get the message.  It makes me sad to have to reject him but I am worth more than his intentional pain!

Today is Dec. 10th.  Would have been 18 years married to Rob.  The other night he told Kaitlyn he met a lady going through the same thing he is going through.  He says he has only talked to her.  He also said if I would just say I wanted him back......
My first reaction was one of mixed feelings.  I don't want a relationship with him again, it would never work and just be exactly like it was; I don't want him to have a relationship first....
Then I stopped and thought about it.
I really want him to find his own true happiness.  Whatever that is.  If it means finding someone else, maybe someone he will never call names, or dislike, I want that for him.  The sooner the better.  Also, I want him to move on and get over me.  I know "we" can never be again.  To think of him happy and smiling is all I want for him.
There are so many mixed feelings going through this separation;  why it didn't work, how many years were put into it; how it has affected our kids; where do I go from here.... what lies ahead?
I will get divorced when the year is up; I will find my own "true happiness" for the rest of the years I have on the earth!  Life is too short to be anything but happy!
Oh the challenges this life holds for each of us......
We are made so much stronger through each trial.......

This quote really speaks to me; yet I know in my heart it is way too soon to even be caught...  The lonely feelings I have are all part of the process of healing, whether I like it or not.  Which I don't.  So I must resolve to work through this tough time just like all the rest and wait for the light at the end of the rainbow!  First I have to learn to quit chasing the rainbow.  Ugh.... That is the hard part!!  TIME....  I don't want to waste it, I can't seem to use it wisely, on one hand it is going so slowly, on the other so fast - Lord, help me make the most out of every moment I have to live happily, content, peaceful and joyous.  Always thankful for all you have given me rather than looking at the things I want and need.  My focus has not been fully on you...
Help me realign my focus so I may continue following Your will for my life.  Thank you! AMEN!!

Honesty is the best policy - so they say.....  To be honest with myself, I have to say I cannot believe how difficult it is emotionally for me being alone. : (
With the kids here it is a little more difficult because I still want to hide the tears.  I don't really want to admit to being lonely to them.  They might interpret it as missing Rob.  NOT!!  I just can't believe how much I want to be hugged, held, comforted.....  I would love to just have a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen and be supportive.....  Yet all I have are deep sighs and lots of tears in the dark....
Time is what is needed and I know that; I just feel like time is creeping by sometimes because I am struggling with having the patience to wait on God's timing for everything to fall into place......
I know my friends have me in their prayers. Lord please help me find comfort and peace in this difficult time.

Each day is a new page in the life of Cindy!  I have found the small child within who has needed to be loved for so long.  I am healing a little each day from a life of what feels like neglect, rejection, withdrawal.....
What an amazing experience this is.  Once I have overcome some of the feelings of loneliness, I have been able to find my small self that has hidden away in a dark corner of my soul; trying to escape the negative attacks of this world.
People and circumstances in our lives play such a big role in who we become!  I imagine many people never get the opportunity I am experiencing.  How fortunate I am!
Feeling accepted by others is one thing; accepting and loving ourselves is something all together different.  Each day I shed tears for others as I pray for them, mixed with healing tears for my small, insignificant self. Like bandaids carefully and skillfully placed on each and every part of that small helpless child.  Soon she will be all better!
Lord, help me place any bandaids on my kids inner selves while they are young, so they can grow up without the feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, etc. that I have had as an adult.  I pray they will love themselves as they grow up, and be strong, secure people who love you with all their hearts.  AMEN!!

All the changes taking place in my life; I am hopeful that love finding me is one of them.  I keep telling myself I am not lonely - who am I kidding!  I still can't seem to occupy my mind and find the peace I wish to have in solitude.  Kids are home, most bills are paid, job is going well.....   But I know something big is still missing.....
I wish so much that I could just be content with where I am.  I find myself looking around this house and seeing all he did here and feeling sad that we didn't work!  I never want to go back; but forward sounds real good.  Lord, help me find peace in the place I am right now.  Help me be content with what I have, satisfied with how far I have come, and hopeful in what you have planned for me!  Thank you again for strength and wisdom.
Always remember:   BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.....

Today is Thanksgiving.  The kids and I had a great meal together; I prayed for all of us, including their dad, we ate well and spent the afternoon together.  An absolutely beautiful sunshine filled day!
This morning before anyone woke up I listened to a message about the Israelites crossing the Jordan River.
It struck me funny a little while later - I thought about God making them wander in the desert 40 years.  I have been thinking, in my life, so much time has been wasted.... 47 years to get to this point ....
Then I realized, I needed to wander in the desert all these years to be ready for the Promise Land (the land of Milk and Honey), just like the Israelites. I could never move forward as the person I am, if I hadn't gone through all the things I have experienced in this life.  It wouldn't be possible know exactly what I want in my life, if I hadn't experienced things I know I don't ever want again.  God has a plan for each of us.  We just have to learn to trust Him and know He is in control.  Thank you Lord for opening my eyes and allowing my faith to grow stronger each day!

Looking out the window at the rain falling down, a squirrel running back and forth on the tree branches, knowing the birds wish I would fill their feeders....  Thinking about this amazing life and wondering how a person can change so much over time.  I'm sure I have changed too, but how is it he could be what I thought I needed for so long and become such an angry, unhappy soul?  Talking with him for just a minute today reaffirms the fact that he has no joy in his heart.  I've known this for a long, long time.  I'm so glad I now have a clear vision of what my life needs to be.  I am truly HAPPY!  Tears of healing as well as tears of joy roll down my cheeks.  Thank you Lord for bringing me this far...  I look forward to whatever you have in store for me!

I thought having my kids home would be a big enough distraction to keep me from thinking about my personal emotional/physical wants and desires.  It is so soon after my separation - yet so long since I have had a real bond with a man.... That certain someone is always on my mind, yet so not available : (
I have faith in God to work all this out in His own time, I just wish it was possible to completely turn off that part of my brain for a while.....  I have found some great quotes about love.  I don't think I will ever get married again; to many people fall into a trap of taking each other for granted after a period of time.  Unfortunately, we as humans don't seem to know how to truly appreciate each other if we "commit" to each other.

I believe God will send the perfect guy to find me when the time is right!  I have faith, now I just have to calm my heart and soul and wait patiently on the Lord...  This is the hardest part!!

The wonders and joys of life!  I am so thankful to have God on my side!  So many people in this world may never experience what I have.  My kids are back home because they want to be here - to know they can appreciate the simple life already is a blessing.  My life feels like it has purpose.  Not only as a mom to love and care for them, but to pray with and for them - hopefully showing them a Godly example as a person each day.  May they see what I believe everyone else sees in me - God's light shining bright!  Lord, I place all my Faith, Hope, Joy and Love in YOU!

Never in my life have I shed tears of joy!  I find myself regularly letting these tears flow from my eyes, reflecting the pure joy I have in my heart!  God is so good.  He has given me so much!  My kids are coming home tonight, I will get to hug them tomorrow morning for the first time in two months....  I have the greatest friends ever... I now have some wonderful preaching to listen to.... my job is wonderful fun, full of excitement and opportunities.... ; on and on I could go.
Faith has brought me to this point, faith will lead me on.  I feel as though I am a walking testimony to God's love and care for His people.  I AM His faithful follower, anxious and excited to see where He leads me next!
Thank you Lord for loving ME!

The kids will be home in just a few days : )
My heart and soul are at peace and rest at this time.  Life is good!  Many challenges are to come, I'm sure, but we will face them head on.  Lord, I look forward to whatever you bring our way.  We can do anything with You on our side!  Thank you for the great friends I have made these past few months.  Continue to grow these friendships into great relationships that will last our lifetime.  I am so grateful for the joy and sense of humor you have given me.  I love to laugh and have fun with all the people I work with.  Without laughter and joy, we would be a miserable bunch...
Help me teach my children about being joyful and happy - about living life fully.  Maybe they can have a much more fulfilling life at an earlier age than I.  Let my light shine for your glory.
"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine....  : )  "

I am constantly surprised by the new person I have become.  I am bold and unafraid.  Amazing!  I am no longer willing to wonder about things that will cause me to worry.  I charge right in and find the answers.  I am not willing to lead myself astray.  I am willing to admit the truth in any situation and find my way through it whether it hurts or not.
This is all a reflection on my feelings about someone I care very much about and am wondering how they feel about me.  I have spent a few months wondering; now I am asking for clarity and communication.  I don't want to deceive myself.  If friendship is as far as it goes, I can accept that.  If there is a possibility for more down the road - I just need to know so I can let my heart continue feeling the way it does.
No need for false hopes and future pain that is unnecessary.  I'm a big girl; I can handle it.

I just want to make sure I am aware of the other heart I am suppose to find.  I believe God will bring it to me when I don't even notice......

Both Kaitlyn and Justen arrive in Asheville on November 15th!!  Life is sure interesting and unpredictable!!  Once I talked to her, and she talked to me, I realized how unhappy she really was, the decision was made to get her home as soon as possible!  I can't wait for them to arrive.
Emotionally I have been a complete mess; all the memories of my past somewhat relived as well as knowing of current pain by everyone has  been very difficult.
Each day I know I am growing stronger and better, so each tear is worth shedding!  Lord, you lift me up when I am weak, you lead me where I need to go, you are in control...
I am watching you and listening for your direction in my life.
Continue to carry me when I cannot walk... Thank you Lord... AMEN

So this is where I am.... I think people see me as holding it together; really, I do fall apart at times.  I am always hoping the down times are healing times.  I believe I am growing stronger each day.  When Justen makes it home it will be a blessing to have someone here to share life with.  He is grown up enough to have his own life; we will do our own things and share experiences together as well.  I have told him he will be kind of living on his own, making his own way in a sense.  I so look forward to bonding with him in a different way than before.  He is my son and I can't wait to see him again.  One day, I believe it will be Kaitlyn returning as well.   : )   Keep growing me stronger Lord!!

Not at all what I expected, Justen wants to come home!! He has made up his mind, he wants to be here in NC.  We have talked about it, and I agree, it is important for him to graduate with his friends and spend the rest of this year here.  Kaitlyn wants to stay in OR with her dad.  Who would have thought....
Anyway, we are trying to work out the details to get him home by the time second semester starts Dec. 3rd.  If it is God's will, it will work out as we plan.
Life can be so interesting - just when you think you know what might happen, surprise!  just the opposite happens : )
At any rate, it would be nice to have him here.  There are so many things he can learn being here, making his own way so to speak.
Lord, you know the plans you have for all of us.  Grow us, guide us, strengthen us!

Each day is an experience, for sure.  I am reminded regularly not to dwell in a place of loneliness, where pain is, but to find a place of glorious solitude.  Solitude is a word I have never really thought about.  I found some quotes on it and realized there is much more to being alone.  It can be wonderful; it isn't easy though.  As I journey through this time, I am constantly reminded that I am important, beautiful, worthy, deserving, etc.  I am now able to love "me".  For the first time in my life I can look in the mirror and see the reflection of someone beautiful!  I am in the process of forgiving myself for being so hard on myself all these years.....
It is amazing how a rough childhood can affect a person so many years of their life.  I am grateful for this time alone to find myself, to learn to love myself, to accept the beautiful person I am.
I will now be able to move forward, as a better, whole person, into a new life journey.
Without the grace of God, none of this would be possible!

I received a call last night from him.  I asked how things were going and he said he sometimes just wants to pack up and come back...  I told him that would not work...  He still doesn't get it that I am through.  He made a few comments during the conversation like, don't lie to me and why do I sound disgusted when I answer the phone when it is him.  I hope this doesn't continue through the whole year that I am waiting to get the divorce.  I am moving on, no doubt about it.
Meanwhile, I was on line reading quotes and came across the ones I guess were meant for me at that moment in time:

Language has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone, and the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.--Paul Johannes Tillich

Like water which can clearly mirror the sky and the trees only so long as its surface is undisturbed, the mind can only reflect the true image of the Self when it is tranquil and wholly relaxed.--Indra Devi

Solitude can be frightening because it invites us to meet a stranger we think we may not want to know--ourselves.--Melvyn Kinder

Solitude is not a way of running away from life ... from our feelings. On the contrary. This is the time we sort them out, air them, get over them, and go on without the burden of yesterday.--Joan Chittister


When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought of was "glorious solitude"!  That is what I am aiming for now!  I have never even know there was such a thing.  All my life I only knew of loneliness.
So happy to have this time in my life to find my glorious solitude!  AMEN!!

Today I am enjoying beautiful sunshine outside, peaceful quietness inside, joy and harmony within....  What more could I ask for.  I saw where my son said he is reading for fun.  What a blessing that is.  I suppose my family is experiencing what I had been experiencing for quite some time while living with all of them; hectic chaos.  I am so happy he is finding an outlet that he never would have chosen had he not been in this situation.  Thank you Lord.  He is reading a book called God grew tired of us.  And he said it is his third book in two weeks.  Hallelujah....I shed tears of joy when I saw this posted on facebook.
God is using this experience to grow all of us in ways none of us could have ever imagined.  Again, I want to thank you Lord for giving me the courage to make the changes I have made.  Each day I am stronger and more secure in my decision.  I know you are behind all of this and I know you will take care of all of us through this.

This is the beginning of my second three day weekend alone.  I am hoping to accomplish many things; the most important being a sense of healing.  My last three days off were very scattered with emotions and feelings of what to do with my time.  I have some plans this weekend, including getting out a bit.  I might just take a drive and look at the fall colors as well.  It is time to really realize all this time is mine.
I have experienced such an incredible transformation these past few months; a complete turn around in how I view myself and my life.  I believe God has been working on me for a very long time.  Now when I look in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back.  I feel beautiful inside and out.  For all these years, I have always thought I was ugly.  No regrets though, it is now time for me to SHINE!!
Shine like a star, be as beautiful as you really are!!!
I deserve nothing but the best and that is what I will get.  I am determined to make the rest of my time on this earth worthwhile.  I hope to inspire many people along the way; sharing faith, hope, joy and love!!!
Thank you Lord for showing me who you intended me to be!

This call was a bit difficult.  He, once again, asked if I was ready for him to come home.  I asked why he left.  He said he didn't know.  I told him he couldn't just go back and forth and I didn't think it would work for him to just move back here and back into the house.  I told him if he had moved somewhere close by we maybe could have dated and tried to start over.  He said, did I know, before long, it was going to be too late for him.  I said, how do you know it isn't already too late for me?  He said he wouldn't bother me anymore.......  : (
This is very difficult, but I believe it is necessary to move on from such a disfunctional relationship.  In a way, I still feel like he is trying to be in control when he says it will be too late for him, not even thinking about me.  But that isn't a new thing in our relationship.  I just want to get my life sorted out and see him find something that will truly make him happy.  Together we = misery...

Life can sure be interesting.....
First time having three days off since everyone left.  It felt like an eternity.  I did get things done, but with only me here, it takes no time to get the every day chores done.  I hauled trash, organized the laundry room, looked at my finances, watched some TV, read a little bit, listened to music, exercised some, tried to keep my mind occupied....  It was a long three days.  I will have many more to come.  This month and probably next month as well, we have promotions on Sundays that will have me working Thurs. - Sun.  I suppose that means I will eventually have a spotless house!  I hope to get motivated to do some painting or sewing or something crafty... I so miss that part of my life.  I just have so much on my mind that it is difficult to even think creatively.
I went to the casino this evening to exercise for a little bit with Susan and Enoch.  I just needed to get out of the house and see my friends.  I am looking forward to a work week... Isn't that amazing.  Nobody says that!
Call me crazy, but work is what I have now to keep me sane....  All that time I was looking for quiet time...now I have more than I know what to do with.....
Like I said, life can sure be interesting.
Lord, help me stay focused on the things that need my attention, help me encourage my children any way I can.  Watch over them and keep them safe.  Give me strength and comfort.  AMEN.....

I thought the hard part was telling him to go.....  then I thought all of them leaving was tough.....  now, I find myself talking with him about our relationship, or lack of it, trying to understand how I got to this place in my life...  This is difficult!  I never knew the emotional roller coaster I was in for.  The struggle to find myself, as well as let go of people who have been in my daily life so long.....  Lord, I need your strength to hold me up!  Please let these be healing tears.....
He would come back in a second, if I said that is what I wanted.....  I just know deep in my heart that isn't where my life is headed.  I am ready to move on, no matter how lonely and painful the path may be.  I believe the Lord has things planned for me that I cannot even begin to imagine.
Heal each of us Lord as we journey through this life.  Help him find his way to true happiness; help my kids find out what life is really all about.  Guide and protect them all, each and every day!
I love you Lord with all my heart.  Help me to stay focused....

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“we accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky

“A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.”
― Max Lucado

“love, I've come to understand is more than three words mumbled before bedtime.”
― Nicholas Sparks

“Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”
― Mother Teresa

“The fate of your heart is your choice and no one else gets a vote”
― Sarah Dessen

I read the Proverbs 31 Devotion for today and this is what I found. It just about sums up where I am in my life.....  God has made it possible for me to give up all my fears and completely trust Him!

The unknown is scary. But ultimately—for me anyway—it’s scarier to think of what I might miss if I don’t let go. And so I say a prayer, open my hands, and peer beyond the edge of what I know, into the vast expanse of the future where a giant question mark dominates the landscape. 

Today let’s choose to trust God and not require that we like or even understand what He is calling us to do. Let’s submit to Him, believing that the path He calls us to take will always be worth the change, worth the risk, worth the effort, simply because He has chosen it for us.

October 3, 2011

The Trust Factor
Alison Strobel

Thank you Lord for letting me see this devotion after three weeks of living alone.  I have no doubts about the decision I made; I know you chose this path I'm on, for me.  I believe you have greater things in store for my life!

Thinking about what the future may hold....
I know how important it is for me to spend this time alone.  If and when the time is right, my prayer is Lord, that you will bring along the perfect match for me.  Someone who will respect me the way I am learning to respect myself; (the way I deserve), someone with the same interests, passion, joy and love for life and you.
This will all come about in your time and I know it will probably be when I least expect it.  I find as I am alone, my desire is to share myself with someone.  I am somewhat of a caregiver.  I think about cooking a meal for someone who would really appreciate it; rubbing someones shoulders or feet after a long day; talking about dreams of vacation destinations; praying together, etc.  I now realize how I allowed myself to be short changed for so many years.  I suppose there is no answer to why; I just need to be thankful for the courage and strength you gave me to move on.  Help me to see people clearly for who they are.  Protect me from deception.  Keep me strong in my faith. : )

Today I read something about people being self-loving or self-loathing and how we need to be right in the middle.  If we can learn to have a personal relationship with God and worship Him in our daily walk, we can be right in the middle.
I have spent so many years of self-loathing.  It is very sad to me to look back on the times I was a child and somebody decided they should convince me I was worthless.  Then as a young adult I ventured on into relationships where I allowed others to control and manipulate me.  I had words told to me that said, "you are beautiful" and, "I love you".... but I also had very demeaning things said as well.
As I am looking at my life from a different perspective now, I can't help thinking how anyone in my past who treated me this way could also say or think they really love(d) me.  It still hurts me deep down to know these people could think and say these things about me and to me.  Forgiveness is the key to releasing this pain; I believe right now it is wise to let some tears fall for healing....
When I look in the mirror these days, I see "me"; the beautiful, intelligent, loving woman God made me to be.  I have NEVER seen myself as beautiful.  This is probably the most difficult thing to share, but I just had to say it.
Lord, through all the things you have given me strength for recently, I am most grateful to see myself as your beautiful creation, Cindy!  Thank you for opening my eyes and giving me the strength to get out of a spiritual shipwreck.....

Time goes by so quickly. It is already almost October, where did this year go?  What a year it has been.  So many changes.  These past few days have been healthy reflections on where I have been and where I want to go.  I have also come to realize things I will not  ever allow in my life again.  I am so thankful to be learning I am a strong, confident woman!  I am amazed how a controlling step mother could start my life on a path of thinking I was shy and unimportant.  Lord, you have planned for me to break out of this shell for so long; thank you so much for the will to move forward and face my fears.  Courage and confidence are so important in a persons life;  I sure hope that is what my children are learning through the decision they have made.  I don't want them to learn the same lessons so late in their lives.  Maybe they can really live their lives fully for many more years than I.  Continue to work in all our lives; guide us and grow us each step of the way!  I love you Lord, thank you for loving me!

Just got back from a weekend with momma Joyce.  Oh how I needed that!  It was such a blessing to have her to talk with about all the changes going on in my life.  I realized over and over, as I talked her ear off, how God has worked in my life for so long to put things in order for me.
All of my conversations gave God the glory for my new found contentment and happiness.
Of course I am emotional as I journey through this loss.... : (
My family is struggling with tough times; the grass isn't greener in Oregon like they thought.  Living at grandma's house is very difficult and it will be for a while, until they have a place of their own.  I had a call today from him and low and behold, he was still trying to make me feel bad for him leaving.... (he can't believe I made them leave)???

This will be a long, tough journey to get through but with God,  ALL things are possible!!!

I told him he needs to have Faith...  He really doesn't want to hear anything I have to say.  I think he is waiting for me to tell or ask him to come back.  That is not going to happen.

I now realize I am valuable as a person; God made me beautiful, special, lovely in His eyes, and nobody will ever manipulate or control me again.  All my life I have had or allowed someone to be in control.  Not any more.

I am in control, with God as my pilot!
Lord, continue to give me strength and wisdom as I walk through this part of the journey....AMEN!!!

A Hug......
A physical exchange of emotional support for one anothers well being.....
I never realized, in all my years, how important hugs are, until I find myself with no one to hug.  Oh how I could use hugs now!  It doesn't work to hug yourself and God can't give the physical part of a hug.  Justen and Kaitlyn, when I get to see you again, I will NOT hold back on the hugs!
Lord, help me to see the people who need hugs just as much as I do.  This is something I can give that costs nothing and means so much!  I can't wait to hug you Joyce.... : )

Life is so interesting.... I find myself learning some great lessons about who I am; what special gifts God has given me to share with the world; that I am special and wonderfully made for His specific purpose - yet I yearn for a person to share this experience with.... At this point, I don't really know anyone who has the same desire to know God's special purpose for them, as I do.  How I wish I had someone to read these books with and talk about these things with.  My heart aches to share these ideas.....  I long to find a person who can understand where I am in my walk with God. Thank you Lord for all you are showing me.......

Went to church tonight.  It was so interesting to look into the six seals in Revelation in a depth I have never seen.  I love spending time on Wednesday nights in the class with the teens.  Seeing the Bible through their eyes is so enlightening.  Only two kids, Pastor Mark and me in the class; it was a bit heavy as we finished up when Willie's girlfriend told us her mom is wicken and her dad is Christian. I loved the way pastor handled the situation by telling her he loves her no matter what choice she makes but he hopes she chooses Jesus.  I could tell he was concerned she may never come back but she said she is planning to be there every Wednesday.  I hope I can go next Wednesday.  Next month we have a promotion on Wednesdays so I think I will be working too late to make it.  Lord, my heart is in attending church regularly but as you know, my job may not allow it often.  Help me to stay in your Word each day.  Take me to church whenever my schedule allows.  Thank you, and watch over my family. AMEN!!

I am feeling better after a few days with a sinus infection.... No wonder I have had a headache!!  Anyway, always thankful to feel normal again.  All is well in my corner of the world.  Now that I am thinking straight again, I can pray for my family and friends and ask God to comfort and protect them.  My kids are getting settled into new routines in Oregon.  I know it can't be easy surrounded by people, kids, things they aren't use to.  Kaitlyn is probably having the most difficulty with all of it.  I pray she will make friends and bond with the women there so it will be easier.  I have been busy de-cluttering my house; boy did I bury myself with stuff.  Time to decide what is important and what needs to go!  Lord, continue to give me wisdom to move in the right direction each day, strength to get things done and comfort through the rough times.  I am so thankful for the people you have given me for support.  Be with my family, give them strength, courage and love.  Draw them close to you each day.  AMEN!!

I believe my family has safely made it to Oregon.  Thank goodness; it was a long trip!  Three days of stillness and quiet here in the house. I am slowly clearing out the messes I have created all around.  Simplifying my life. So much looking forward to the end result of organization.  Maybe then I can focus on the things I really enjoy!  Lord, watch over my family, help them adjust quickly to their new lives.  Thank you for the courage and strength to make a change!

So, they are on their way.....  Hoping to get to Wyoming tonight.  They might make it all the way to Oregon by tomorrow night.  Please, Lord, keep them safe!
So many different emotions.... I really don't know what to think, other than Lord, you will make this work for me as well as for them.
I know I have done the right thing; just wonder how long it will take to adjust.
So glad to have so many people to support me through all of this.  Glad my family has family to go to as well.
I hope we all have a restful night and a good day tomorrow.
Good night!  On to another day tomorrow!  Give each of us strength and courage for each step of this journey Lord.  AMEN!!!

Today is the day my life changes completely....
As soon as they awake, they will be gone.  On their way to Medford, an adventure for the kids; a new start for him.  Lord, I pray you will watch over them as they travel.  Get them safely to their destination.  Help them settle in quickly and be surrounded by people who love them.  Give me strength for this day.  May we all feel your love and presence this day... AMEN...... : (

Ten years Lord since the tragedy of 9-11.  So many lives lost; so many families changed.  So many people faced with their fears that day.  I heard part of a poem yesterday that was so special.  It was about you, Lord, being there beside each person, whether in one of the towers calling a loved one to say goodbye, with the loved one receiving the call, on a plane headed for a building, buried in rubble after the building collapsed......with each and every one of us wherever we happened to be that day....
You are an awesome, amazing God!  You know the outcome way before the beginning...
You have the blessings ready after all the pain.
Thank you Lord for your care and love for us, your people!

The next chapter is about to begin.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought things would turn out this way; he is moving back to Oregon to be with his family.  My kids have both decided to go with him....  WOW!  I definitely have a life change in front of me.
Fortunately, God is in all this and it is working well.  We are talking, I am at peace with the whole idea; I believe all three of them will grow and learn as much as I am through this journey.
Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to why things happen the way they do.  We just have to accept them the way they are and move on.
I am so grateful Rob and I have been able to talk about all this today.  I truly believe this will free us both up to live life the way God intended.
Lord, watch over my family and keep them safe. I love you Lord for giving me strength and courage!

People respond to traumatic problems in one of two ways:  Many are simply defeated by such difficult conditions - But some are marked by resiliency, a condition whereby they actually enlarge their capacity to handle problems and, in the end, not only survive but grow!

• resilient people continually seek to reassert some command and control over their destiny rather than seeing themselves as passive victims.
• resilient people have a larger than usual capacity for what might be called moral courage-for refusing to betray their values.
• resilient people find purpose and meaning in their suffering.

These qualities are not just the product of a strong character. Each one of them grows out of a deeper dependence on God!

(taken from a chapter in the book "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat"  by John Ortberg)

Lord, I see that you have made me a resilient person....  Thank you!  I am no longer willing to be or feel defeated by the things I have gone through.

Today was a tough day at home.  Another heart to heart talk.... with no real good results.  I am trying to share the fact that my trying days are over.  My feelings have changed; I feel it is time for me to move on.  He is saying how much he loves me and that he thinks we are soul mates and that he needs me to love him.  What he doesn't realize is how I have loved him with all my heart for all these years and he didn't appreciate it.  So he apologizes for that but what does that do for me now?  I am important as a person; I want to stop feeling manipulated.  I am recognizing as I go about my daily life there are many things I do to avoid issues with him; I set up my life around how he will react to a situation.  I don't want to live this way any more.  I am struggling with finding myself, recognizing my value, trying to draw closer to the Lord.
I went to work and laughed throughout the night.  I was flattered when I found out the first winner was wishing he could have had his "picture made" with me....  Our team was great; we cut up all night and just had fun!!
I sure needed that.
Lord, help me through this difficult time; help me to be still and know that you are GOD!  You will work this out for me in your time.  I love you!  AMEN.....

Start by asking yourself whether each of your relationships drags you down or lifts you up. Surrounding yourself with positive, loving people is half the battle of living a happy, successful life.


When the ‘want’ gets stronger, the ‘how’ gets easier.


I don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.


Embrace change. As uncomfortable as it is sometimes, change allows us to stretch and grow. New things feel awkward and scary at first, but those feelings go away, and you are left with something bigger and bolder in your life.


Learn to adjust the sails of your life to unpredictable winds, while keeping your focus clear on your destination. And keep sailing until you get there.


As you strive to achieve your goals and dreams you can count on there being some fairly substantial disappointments along the way. Don’t get discouraged, the road to your dreams may not be an easy one. Think of these disappointments as challenges - tests of persistence and courage - that life throws at you during your journey. They are necessary and are meant to help you grow as a person.


If you want something in your life you’ve never had, you’ll have to do something you’ve never done.


It’s not so much what you say that counts, it’ how you make people feel.


Mistakes teach you important lessons. Every time you make one, you’re one step closer to your goal. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.


Change is the only permanent thing in life.


Sooner or later, you just want to be around the people who make you smile.

Dear Lord,
Each day is a new challenge, especially right now.  I know you are working in me to create something special; I know the difficulties I face are life changing; I also know the pain I feel can't compare to the joy that is coming.  Lord, continue to hold me up, give me strength and guide me each step of the way.  I feel very vulnerable right now.  It feels like the life I am living just sucks the life right out of me.  I feel stagnant unless I am reading your word or reading something inspirational about You or listening to music or preaching about You, Lord.
So many times I find tears falling when I am thinking on these things....  Lord, give me your strength and comfort! AMEN....

Yesterday at work I asked a guy for water.  He works at the Lobby Cafe.  We had a short conversation about drinking on the job; which I'm not sure is allowed in my position in public; it was a funny sort of conversation that ended with him stating that I should be working at a church not a casino : )
Obviously I was caught in my innocent mode - It was comical, made me laugh!
Thank you Lord for these times when you show me my vulnerable side.  I love reflecting innocence and vulnerability.  Continue to use me to bring You to mind through my smile, actions, conversations, etc. when dealing with others each day.
 I am amazed to think how long I have been on this earth, thinking I have missed out on so many things, yet I realize how fortunate I am to have You, Lord to guide me and show me all I need to know and experience as a grown woman!  So many people experience so many things throughout their lives blindly, without You.  How fortunate I am to walk with You as I experience these things called life!
Thank you Lord for the lessons you are teaching me and holding my hand through Life!  I Love You with All My Heart....

So many "Christians" are against Christian music.  I just want to say, I have been ministered to in such a wonderful way through the lyrics in so many of the christian songs I have learned these past few years!  I have had a schedule that hasn't allowed me to attend church regularly and the churches I have attended are so small they are like little families, literally.  Most members are related to each other in some way so they are bonded together very tightly.  Anyway, back to the subject; I currently listen to 106.9 The Light, (www.1069thelight.org), where many different types of music are played.  God has used these songs to touch my heart and soul to the core.  One of my favorites is Kutless - What Faith Can Do.  I also like Matthew West - Through the Motions.  Whenever I am driving I listen to these ministering musicians.  This station also has some wonderful preaching in the afternoon and evenings.  My suggestion:  Don't knock something before you give it a good look; it just might be the thing you are looking for!  Thank you Lord for opening my heart, mind and soul to all avenues that bring me closer to your LOVE!

Thoughts are interesting....
We have all heard the question, " If you knew you had only so many days left on earth, how would you spend them?"

I was thinking, we should all be spending every day as if it is our last.  We are not guaranteed tomorrow.  Our days are numbered by God.  We are here for a purpose; to share His Love, to show His Joy, to shine His Light, to give His Hope to the world around us.

Remember to live for the Lord every day; share the love he has for you with those around you!

Today was a heart to heart talk about life!  I expressed how I feel about anger, teasing, cursing, poking, etc.; about hurt feelings; about the words love not meaning much without actions....
I tried to put it all out there, in plain sight.  I stated that I have always wanted a change in him; now I see my wanting him to change doesn't matter, what matters is what I want for me.  I am going through a major life changing, growing stage right now and I am ready for it.  I realize I need something more in my life.  I want to live my life smiling and happy; radiating God's Love through my smile!  I now know I deserve to be happy all the days of my life.
God, you are in total control of my life; use me as you have planned!  Give me the strength to move forward with whatever you want me to do!  Thank you for the opportunities you have given me and the people you have brought into my life to show me my potential!  I love you Lord with all my heart, mind and soul!  AMEN!

Quotes on Change

• “The real problem for the creative person is getting over the resistance of those who don’t want to change.”     —Unknown

• “I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better.”    —Georg C. Lichtenberg

• “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”    —M. Scott Peck

• “It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”    —Alan Cohen

• “Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

              —Unknown

Today is my birthday; I am beginning my 48th year on earth and I realize how lonely I am.  My friend helped me see how the empty nest syndrome is already affecting me.  I have tried for years to prepare for the time when the kids go off on their own.  I can accept them growing up and beginning their own lives; what I cannot accept is the fact that I have nobody to share this time with.  My husband is not the friend I hoped he would be.  I have tried every way I can think of to build a friendship with him; to create the bonds needed for our future; with no success.  Time and again we end up back at the same place, never moving forward toward any common goal of sharing, loving, respecting each other.  We are, and have been, stuck in a rut for a long, long time.  Reality tells me there is no chance of our situation changing.  I have found myself saying over and over at work, that change is important; that sometimes when we are in a position for a long time we can't see what is needed to improve the situation; that we become comfortable with the way things are.  Funny how I could say and see this at work after making a drastic change myself, but not see it in my life......

47 years on this earth and just now realizing what is really important to "me"!  It amazes me to think I could hide away this long.  Why does the human mind allow us to deny ourselves of knowing who and what we are and desire?  Life is short; our future is determined; we all know the end of the story, why not live out the life we have been given?  I do believe God wants us to be happy while we are here.  I believe it is much easier to shine His light if we are truly happy.
Lord, let me step aside and allow you to work in my life, bring me to the point that you can fully use me to shine for you.
"Be still, Cindy, and know that I am GOD!"
"Fear not, for I am with thee"......

The Intellectual Hippie

You love to help people, but usually find unconventional and subtle ways of doing it. You're fascinated by what the human mind is capable of creating, and seek the world for moments to enrich your life. You love psychology and philosophy. Your respect for all living beings makes you a humble and likeable person, and the biggest reward is when you get to impart your knowledge to those around you.

Interesting results of a free personality test I received at www.stumbleupon.com (one of my newest favorite places to visit )

Lord, you are Awesome!  Continue to strengthen me daily.  Remind me that you have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind....  As I grow in your grace these coming days, Lord, show me your will!  Help me to meditate on your word and hide it in my heart; to know your will at my most vulnerable moments.  I cannot continue to fight this battle alone.  I love you Lord, I want to become the person you have made me to become.  Give me wisdom to follow the path you have for my life.  In you precious name I pray, AMEN! : )

Welcome!  The first thought I had about setting up this blog was how easy it was to choose the name.  My life lessons revolve around these words.  Oh how I wish I were surrounded by the same.

My next thought was how easy it was to get this blog name.  So many names are taken;  when we try to choose any type of e-mail, facebook, or other techno name we always have to be creative to make what we want work because someone, if not many people, has chosen the same words as their identifier.....
Hmmmm.... First try on this one.  I guess there aren't too many people on the same page?