Not at all what I expected, Justen wants to come home!! He has made up his mind, he wants to be here in NC.  We have talked about it, and I agree, it is important for him to graduate with his friends and spend the rest of this year here.  Kaitlyn wants to stay in OR with her dad.  Who would have thought....
Anyway, we are trying to work out the details to get him home by the time second semester starts Dec. 3rd.  If it is God's will, it will work out as we plan.
Life can be so interesting - just when you think you know what might happen, surprise!  just the opposite happens : )
At any rate, it would be nice to have him here.  There are so many things he can learn being here, making his own way so to speak.
Lord, you know the plans you have for all of us.  Grow us, guide us, strengthen us!

Each day is an experience, for sure.  I am reminded regularly not to dwell in a place of loneliness, where pain is, but to find a place of glorious solitude.  Solitude is a word I have never really thought about.  I found some quotes on it and realized there is much more to being alone.  It can be wonderful; it isn't easy though.  As I journey through this time, I am constantly reminded that I am important, beautiful, worthy, deserving, etc.  I am now able to love "me".  For the first time in my life I can look in the mirror and see the reflection of someone beautiful!  I am in the process of forgiving myself for being so hard on myself all these years.....
It is amazing how a rough childhood can affect a person so many years of their life.  I am grateful for this time alone to find myself, to learn to love myself, to accept the beautiful person I am.
I will now be able to move forward, as a better, whole person, into a new life journey.
Without the grace of God, none of this would be possible!

I received a call last night from him.  I asked how things were going and he said he sometimes just wants to pack up and come back...  I told him that would not work...  He still doesn't get it that I am through.  He made a few comments during the conversation like, don't lie to me and why do I sound disgusted when I answer the phone when it is him.  I hope this doesn't continue through the whole year that I am waiting to get the divorce.  I am moving on, no doubt about it.
Meanwhile, I was on line reading quotes and came across the ones I guess were meant for me at that moment in time:

Language has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone, and the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.--Paul Johannes Tillich

Like water which can clearly mirror the sky and the trees only so long as its surface is undisturbed, the mind can only reflect the true image of the Self when it is tranquil and wholly relaxed.--Indra Devi

Solitude can be frightening because it invites us to meet a stranger we think we may not want to know--ourselves.--Melvyn Kinder

Solitude is not a way of running away from life ... from our feelings. On the contrary. This is the time we sort them out, air them, get over them, and go on without the burden of yesterday.--Joan Chittister


When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought of was "glorious solitude"!  That is what I am aiming for now!  I have never even know there was such a thing.  All my life I only knew of loneliness.
So happy to have this time in my life to find my glorious solitude!  AMEN!!

Today I am enjoying beautiful sunshine outside, peaceful quietness inside, joy and harmony within....  What more could I ask for.  I saw where my son said he is reading for fun.  What a blessing that is.  I suppose my family is experiencing what I had been experiencing for quite some time while living with all of them; hectic chaos.  I am so happy he is finding an outlet that he never would have chosen had he not been in this situation.  Thank you Lord.  He is reading a book called God grew tired of us.  And he said it is his third book in two weeks.  Hallelujah....I shed tears of joy when I saw this posted on facebook.
God is using this experience to grow all of us in ways none of us could have ever imagined.  Again, I want to thank you Lord for giving me the courage to make the changes I have made.  Each day I am stronger and more secure in my decision.  I know you are behind all of this and I know you will take care of all of us through this.

This is the beginning of my second three day weekend alone.  I am hoping to accomplish many things; the most important being a sense of healing.  My last three days off were very scattered with emotions and feelings of what to do with my time.  I have some plans this weekend, including getting out a bit.  I might just take a drive and look at the fall colors as well.  It is time to really realize all this time is mine.
I have experienced such an incredible transformation these past few months; a complete turn around in how I view myself and my life.  I believe God has been working on me for a very long time.  Now when I look in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back.  I feel beautiful inside and out.  For all these years, I have always thought I was ugly.  No regrets though, it is now time for me to SHINE!!
Shine like a star, be as beautiful as you really are!!!
I deserve nothing but the best and that is what I will get.  I am determined to make the rest of my time on this earth worthwhile.  I hope to inspire many people along the way; sharing faith, hope, joy and love!!!
Thank you Lord for showing me who you intended me to be!

This call was a bit difficult.  He, once again, asked if I was ready for him to come home.  I asked why he left.  He said he didn't know.  I told him he couldn't just go back and forth and I didn't think it would work for him to just move back here and back into the house.  I told him if he had moved somewhere close by we maybe could have dated and tried to start over.  He said, did I know, before long, it was going to be too late for him.  I said, how do you know it isn't already too late for me?  He said he wouldn't bother me anymore.......  : (
This is very difficult, but I believe it is necessary to move on from such a disfunctional relationship.  In a way, I still feel like he is trying to be in control when he says it will be too late for him, not even thinking about me.  But that isn't a new thing in our relationship.  I just want to get my life sorted out and see him find something that will truly make him happy.  Together we = misery...

Life can sure be interesting.....
First time having three days off since everyone left.  It felt like an eternity.  I did get things done, but with only me here, it takes no time to get the every day chores done.  I hauled trash, organized the laundry room, looked at my finances, watched some TV, read a little bit, listened to music, exercised some, tried to keep my mind occupied....  It was a long three days.  I will have many more to come.  This month and probably next month as well, we have promotions on Sundays that will have me working Thurs. - Sun.  I suppose that means I will eventually have a spotless house!  I hope to get motivated to do some painting or sewing or something crafty... I so miss that part of my life.  I just have so much on my mind that it is difficult to even think creatively.
I went to the casino this evening to exercise for a little bit with Susan and Enoch.  I just needed to get out of the house and see my friends.  I am looking forward to a work week... Isn't that amazing.  Nobody says that!
Call me crazy, but work is what I have now to keep me sane....  All that time I was looking for quiet time...now I have more than I know what to do with.....
Like I said, life can sure be interesting.
Lord, help me stay focused on the things that need my attention, help me encourage my children any way I can.  Watch over them and keep them safe.  Give me strength and comfort.  AMEN.....

I thought the hard part was telling him to go.....  then I thought all of them leaving was tough.....  now, I find myself talking with him about our relationship, or lack of it, trying to understand how I got to this place in my life...  This is difficult!  I never knew the emotional roller coaster I was in for.  The struggle to find myself, as well as let go of people who have been in my daily life so long.....  Lord, I need your strength to hold me up!  Please let these be healing tears.....
He would come back in a second, if I said that is what I wanted.....  I just know deep in my heart that isn't where my life is headed.  I am ready to move on, no matter how lonely and painful the path may be.  I believe the Lord has things planned for me that I cannot even begin to imagine.
Heal each of us Lord as we journey through this life.  Help him find his way to true happiness; help my kids find out what life is really all about.  Guide and protect them all, each and every day!
I love you Lord with all my heart.  Help me to stay focused....

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“we accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky

“A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.”
― Max Lucado

“love, I've come to understand is more than three words mumbled before bedtime.”
― Nicholas Sparks

“Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”
― Mother Teresa

“The fate of your heart is your choice and no one else gets a vote”
― Sarah Dessen

I read the Proverbs 31 Devotion for today and this is what I found. It just about sums up where I am in my life.....  God has made it possible for me to give up all my fears and completely trust Him!

The unknown is scary. But ultimately—for me anyway—it’s scarier to think of what I might miss if I don’t let go. And so I say a prayer, open my hands, and peer beyond the edge of what I know, into the vast expanse of the future where a giant question mark dominates the landscape. 

Today let’s choose to trust God and not require that we like or even understand what He is calling us to do. Let’s submit to Him, believing that the path He calls us to take will always be worth the change, worth the risk, worth the effort, simply because He has chosen it for us.

October 3, 2011

The Trust Factor
Alison Strobel

Thank you Lord for letting me see this devotion after three weeks of living alone.  I have no doubts about the decision I made; I know you chose this path I'm on, for me.  I believe you have greater things in store for my life!