Getting ready for a busy weekend at work.  New Year's Weekend at Harrah's Cherokee Casino!!  Should be rockin'...  Even though I am working, I am glad to be spending time with my friends.  So much going on, it should be exciting and fun...
I am sure the new year will bring new challenges but I have faith it will be so much better than 2011!  I am ready to start my new life...  We haven't had much winter yet, I hope we get by with minimal weather.  I am sooo looking forward to spring!  I will hold my head high and forge on toward the joy that is coming....
Lord, lift me up, on wings, like an eagle....  You can carry me through any and all trials.
I will be a better person through all of this.  I am so thankful for the people in my life who continually remind me of the strength I am showing them.  The testimony you are giving me is a wonderful blessing.  For that, I am so thankful!

Each day I have thought about what to post.  I have had trial after trial as this year closes.  I have never had such a difficult Christmas or holiday season before; I hope to never have another one again.  I look forward to 2012 with anticipation of a "new beginning" so to speak.
Nobody said it would be easy, but I trust it will be worth it!  I have faith!  It it weren't for my faith, hope, joy, love, I wouldn't have made it this far.  Each day I realize the strength and courage I have, to have come this far - I know I will make it through!  I tend to think on many song lyrics along the way.  Right now, one of my favorites to reflect on says, " the pain you are feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming"....  I DO believe this to be true.... : )

Feels like I am on an erratic roller coaster... Up, down, up, down.......  I just hope it doesn't break!!  My emotions are so out of control.  I am trying to wait patiently for the "happy medium".....
I suppose having forty some years to deal with may take a while.  I find myself continually going back, sometimes waaayyy back in time, to find myself and grab my hand and heart and heal whatever hurt(s) are lingering.....  Children are so vulnerable.  The pains start at such a young age.  Depending on the circumstances, pain can be so real so soon in our lives.  This makes me aware of how rough it must be for so many kids these days. : (     Parents try to do their best; sometimes their best just isn't good enough.
So we are left on our own to find a way to put the pieces back together and make our lives work for us.  To find peace, joy and happiness.  Unfortunately so many people don't ever have the courage to go out and find these things for themselves.
I am so thankful I have found the courage!  Through every struggle, every heartache, every tear, I know I am closer to finding my true peace, joy and happiness...
For that Lord, I am Thankful!!

PEACE....
Oh Lord, give me the peace that surpasses all understanding.....  I have had that peace before, I am ready for it again!  My life has felt like it has been in turmoil for quit a while....
Not that I haven't created the turmoil; I know I have.  I just need your help in letting these deep breaths bring me closer, oh so closer to the peace you offer.  The tears are Healing, one by one...., day by day...., night by night....; I now need to feel surrounded, engulfed by peace in order to begin to move on.
Each step I take brings me closer - I'm getting there - I'm trying to take it slowly; I just struggle so much at times....
You have given me some great inspirations, through people I have around, to help me; for that I am sooo thankful!  Some days it feels like time can't go by quick enough; on the other hand I don't want to rush my life away.  Your plan for my life is greater than anything I can even begin to imagine....
Just help me Lord to feel Your Peace as I wait for Your Plan for my life to unfold......  AMEN
A flower can only bloom when the conditions are right.....

So many trials.... I think I have to be completely done talking to Rob.  When we last talked on Dec. 10th what he said last put me over the edge.  It showed me how easily he can affect and hurt me.  I will not allow that in my life any longer.  Ever since then he has been trying to contact me one way or another.  I have ignored his text messages and told Kaitlyn to tell him I didn't want to talk to him.  Maybe he will get the message.  It makes me sad to have to reject him but I am worth more than his intentional pain!

Today is Dec. 10th.  Would have been 18 years married to Rob.  The other night he told Kaitlyn he met a lady going through the same thing he is going through.  He says he has only talked to her.  He also said if I would just say I wanted him back......
My first reaction was one of mixed feelings.  I don't want a relationship with him again, it would never work and just be exactly like it was; I don't want him to have a relationship first....
Then I stopped and thought about it.
I really want him to find his own true happiness.  Whatever that is.  If it means finding someone else, maybe someone he will never call names, or dislike, I want that for him.  The sooner the better.  Also, I want him to move on and get over me.  I know "we" can never be again.  To think of him happy and smiling is all I want for him.
There are so many mixed feelings going through this separation;  why it didn't work, how many years were put into it; how it has affected our kids; where do I go from here.... what lies ahead?
I will get divorced when the year is up; I will find my own "true happiness" for the rest of the years I have on the earth!  Life is too short to be anything but happy!
Oh the challenges this life holds for each of us......
We are made so much stronger through each trial.......

This quote really speaks to me; yet I know in my heart it is way too soon to even be caught...  The lonely feelings I have are all part of the process of healing, whether I like it or not.  Which I don't.  So I must resolve to work through this tough time just like all the rest and wait for the light at the end of the rainbow!  First I have to learn to quit chasing the rainbow.  Ugh.... That is the hard part!!  TIME....  I don't want to waste it, I can't seem to use it wisely, on one hand it is going so slowly, on the other so fast - Lord, help me make the most out of every moment I have to live happily, content, peaceful and joyous.  Always thankful for all you have given me rather than looking at the things I want and need.  My focus has not been fully on you...
Help me realign my focus so I may continue following Your will for my life.  Thank you! AMEN!!

Honesty is the best policy - so they say.....  To be honest with myself, I have to say I cannot believe how difficult it is emotionally for me being alone. : (
With the kids here it is a little more difficult because I still want to hide the tears.  I don't really want to admit to being lonely to them.  They might interpret it as missing Rob.  NOT!!  I just can't believe how much I want to be hugged, held, comforted.....  I would love to just have a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen and be supportive.....  Yet all I have are deep sighs and lots of tears in the dark....
Time is what is needed and I know that; I just feel like time is creeping by sometimes because I am struggling with having the patience to wait on God's timing for everything to fall into place......
I know my friends have me in their prayers. Lord please help me find comfort and peace in this difficult time.

Each day is a new page in the life of Cindy!  I have found the small child within who has needed to be loved for so long.  I am healing a little each day from a life of what feels like neglect, rejection, withdrawal.....
What an amazing experience this is.  Once I have overcome some of the feelings of loneliness, I have been able to find my small self that has hidden away in a dark corner of my soul; trying to escape the negative attacks of this world.
People and circumstances in our lives play such a big role in who we become!  I imagine many people never get the opportunity I am experiencing.  How fortunate I am!
Feeling accepted by others is one thing; accepting and loving ourselves is something all together different.  Each day I shed tears for others as I pray for them, mixed with healing tears for my small, insignificant self. Like bandaids carefully and skillfully placed on each and every part of that small helpless child.  Soon she will be all better!
Lord, help me place any bandaids on my kids inner selves while they are young, so they can grow up without the feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, etc. that I have had as an adult.  I pray they will love themselves as they grow up, and be strong, secure people who love you with all their hearts.  AMEN!!