Thinking about what the future may hold....
I know how important it is for me to spend this time alone.  If and when the time is right, my prayer is Lord, that you will bring along the perfect match for me.  Someone who will respect me the way I am learning to respect myself; (the way I deserve), someone with the same interests, passion, joy and love for life and you.
This will all come about in your time and I know it will probably be when I least expect it.  I find as I am alone, my desire is to share myself with someone.  I am somewhat of a caregiver.  I think about cooking a meal for someone who would really appreciate it; rubbing someones shoulders or feet after a long day; talking about dreams of vacation destinations; praying together, etc.  I now realize how I allowed myself to be short changed for so many years.  I suppose there is no answer to why; I just need to be thankful for the courage and strength you gave me to move on.  Help me to see people clearly for who they are.  Protect me from deception.  Keep me strong in my faith. : )

Today I read something about people being self-loving or self-loathing and how we need to be right in the middle.  If we can learn to have a personal relationship with God and worship Him in our daily walk, we can be right in the middle.
I have spent so many years of self-loathing.  It is very sad to me to look back on the times I was a child and somebody decided they should convince me I was worthless.  Then as a young adult I ventured on into relationships where I allowed others to control and manipulate me.  I had words told to me that said, "you are beautiful" and, "I love you".... but I also had very demeaning things said as well.
As I am looking at my life from a different perspective now, I can't help thinking how anyone in my past who treated me this way could also say or think they really love(d) me.  It still hurts me deep down to know these people could think and say these things about me and to me.  Forgiveness is the key to releasing this pain; I believe right now it is wise to let some tears fall for healing....
When I look in the mirror these days, I see "me"; the beautiful, intelligent, loving woman God made me to be.  I have NEVER seen myself as beautiful.  This is probably the most difficult thing to share, but I just had to say it.
Lord, through all the things you have given me strength for recently, I am most grateful to see myself as your beautiful creation, Cindy!  Thank you for opening my eyes and giving me the strength to get out of a spiritual shipwreck.....

Time goes by so quickly. It is already almost October, where did this year go?  What a year it has been.  So many changes.  These past few days have been healthy reflections on where I have been and where I want to go.  I have also come to realize things I will not  ever allow in my life again.  I am so thankful to be learning I am a strong, confident woman!  I am amazed how a controlling step mother could start my life on a path of thinking I was shy and unimportant.  Lord, you have planned for me to break out of this shell for so long; thank you so much for the will to move forward and face my fears.  Courage and confidence are so important in a persons life;  I sure hope that is what my children are learning through the decision they have made.  I don't want them to learn the same lessons so late in their lives.  Maybe they can really live their lives fully for many more years than I.  Continue to work in all our lives; guide us and grow us each step of the way!  I love you Lord, thank you for loving me!

Just got back from a weekend with momma Joyce.  Oh how I needed that!  It was such a blessing to have her to talk with about all the changes going on in my life.  I realized over and over, as I talked her ear off, how God has worked in my life for so long to put things in order for me.
All of my conversations gave God the glory for my new found contentment and happiness.
Of course I am emotional as I journey through this loss.... : (
My family is struggling with tough times; the grass isn't greener in Oregon like they thought.  Living at grandma's house is very difficult and it will be for a while, until they have a place of their own.  I had a call today from him and low and behold, he was still trying to make me feel bad for him leaving.... (he can't believe I made them leave)???

This will be a long, tough journey to get through but with God,  ALL things are possible!!!

I told him he needs to have Faith...  He really doesn't want to hear anything I have to say.  I think he is waiting for me to tell or ask him to come back.  That is not going to happen.

I now realize I am valuable as a person; God made me beautiful, special, lovely in His eyes, and nobody will ever manipulate or control me again.  All my life I have had or allowed someone to be in control.  Not any more.

I am in control, with God as my pilot!
Lord, continue to give me strength and wisdom as I walk through this part of the journey....AMEN!!!

A Hug......
A physical exchange of emotional support for one anothers well being.....
I never realized, in all my years, how important hugs are, until I find myself with no one to hug.  Oh how I could use hugs now!  It doesn't work to hug yourself and God can't give the physical part of a hug.  Justen and Kaitlyn, when I get to see you again, I will NOT hold back on the hugs!
Lord, help me to see the people who need hugs just as much as I do.  This is something I can give that costs nothing and means so much!  I can't wait to hug you Joyce.... : )

Life is so interesting.... I find myself learning some great lessons about who I am; what special gifts God has given me to share with the world; that I am special and wonderfully made for His specific purpose - yet I yearn for a person to share this experience with.... At this point, I don't really know anyone who has the same desire to know God's special purpose for them, as I do.  How I wish I had someone to read these books with and talk about these things with.  My heart aches to share these ideas.....  I long to find a person who can understand where I am in my walk with God. Thank you Lord for all you are showing me.......

Went to church tonight.  It was so interesting to look into the six seals in Revelation in a depth I have never seen.  I love spending time on Wednesday nights in the class with the teens.  Seeing the Bible through their eyes is so enlightening.  Only two kids, Pastor Mark and me in the class; it was a bit heavy as we finished up when Willie's girlfriend told us her mom is wicken and her dad is Christian. I loved the way pastor handled the situation by telling her he loves her no matter what choice she makes but he hopes she chooses Jesus.  I could tell he was concerned she may never come back but she said she is planning to be there every Wednesday.  I hope I can go next Wednesday.  Next month we have a promotion on Wednesdays so I think I will be working too late to make it.  Lord, my heart is in attending church regularly but as you know, my job may not allow it often.  Help me to stay in your Word each day.  Take me to church whenever my schedule allows.  Thank you, and watch over my family. AMEN!!

I am feeling better after a few days with a sinus infection.... No wonder I have had a headache!!  Anyway, always thankful to feel normal again.  All is well in my corner of the world.  Now that I am thinking straight again, I can pray for my family and friends and ask God to comfort and protect them.  My kids are getting settled into new routines in Oregon.  I know it can't be easy surrounded by people, kids, things they aren't use to.  Kaitlyn is probably having the most difficulty with all of it.  I pray she will make friends and bond with the women there so it will be easier.  I have been busy de-cluttering my house; boy did I bury myself with stuff.  Time to decide what is important and what needs to go!  Lord, continue to give me wisdom to move in the right direction each day, strength to get things done and comfort through the rough times.  I am so thankful for the people you have given me for support.  Be with my family, give them strength, courage and love.  Draw them close to you each day.  AMEN!!

I believe my family has safely made it to Oregon.  Thank goodness; it was a long trip!  Three days of stillness and quiet here in the house. I am slowly clearing out the messes I have created all around.  Simplifying my life. So much looking forward to the end result of organization.  Maybe then I can focus on the things I really enjoy!  Lord, watch over my family, help them adjust quickly to their new lives.  Thank you for the courage and strength to make a change!

So, they are on their way.....  Hoping to get to Wyoming tonight.  They might make it all the way to Oregon by tomorrow night.  Please, Lord, keep them safe!
So many different emotions.... I really don't know what to think, other than Lord, you will make this work for me as well as for them.
I know I have done the right thing; just wonder how long it will take to adjust.
So glad to have so many people to support me through all of this.  Glad my family has family to go to as well.
I hope we all have a restful night and a good day tomorrow.
Good night!  On to another day tomorrow!  Give each of us strength and courage for each step of this journey Lord.  AMEN!!!

Today is the day my life changes completely....
As soon as they awake, they will be gone.  On their way to Medford, an adventure for the kids; a new start for him.  Lord, I pray you will watch over them as they travel.  Get them safely to their destination.  Help them settle in quickly and be surrounded by people who love them.  Give me strength for this day.  May we all feel your love and presence this day... AMEN...... : (

Ten years Lord since the tragedy of 9-11.  So many lives lost; so many families changed.  So many people faced with their fears that day.  I heard part of a poem yesterday that was so special.  It was about you, Lord, being there beside each person, whether in one of the towers calling a loved one to say goodbye, with the loved one receiving the call, on a plane headed for a building, buried in rubble after the building collapsed......with each and every one of us wherever we happened to be that day....
You are an awesome, amazing God!  You know the outcome way before the beginning...
You have the blessings ready after all the pain.
Thank you Lord for your care and love for us, your people!

The next chapter is about to begin.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought things would turn out this way; he is moving back to Oregon to be with his family.  My kids have both decided to go with him....  WOW!  I definitely have a life change in front of me.
Fortunately, God is in all this and it is working well.  We are talking, I am at peace with the whole idea; I believe all three of them will grow and learn as much as I am through this journey.
Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to why things happen the way they do.  We just have to accept them the way they are and move on.
I am so grateful Rob and I have been able to talk about all this today.  I truly believe this will free us both up to live life the way God intended.
Lord, watch over my family and keep them safe. I love you Lord for giving me strength and courage!

People respond to traumatic problems in one of two ways:  Many are simply defeated by such difficult conditions - But some are marked by resiliency, a condition whereby they actually enlarge their capacity to handle problems and, in the end, not only survive but grow!

• resilient people continually seek to reassert some command and control over their destiny rather than seeing themselves as passive victims.
• resilient people have a larger than usual capacity for what might be called moral courage-for refusing to betray their values.
• resilient people find purpose and meaning in their suffering.

These qualities are not just the product of a strong character. Each one of them grows out of a deeper dependence on God!

(taken from a chapter in the book "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat"  by John Ortberg)

Lord, I see that you have made me a resilient person....  Thank you!  I am no longer willing to be or feel defeated by the things I have gone through.

Today was a tough day at home.  Another heart to heart talk.... with no real good results.  I am trying to share the fact that my trying days are over.  My feelings have changed; I feel it is time for me to move on.  He is saying how much he loves me and that he thinks we are soul mates and that he needs me to love him.  What he doesn't realize is how I have loved him with all my heart for all these years and he didn't appreciate it.  So he apologizes for that but what does that do for me now?  I am important as a person; I want to stop feeling manipulated.  I am recognizing as I go about my daily life there are many things I do to avoid issues with him; I set up my life around how he will react to a situation.  I don't want to live this way any more.  I am struggling with finding myself, recognizing my value, trying to draw closer to the Lord.
I went to work and laughed throughout the night.  I was flattered when I found out the first winner was wishing he could have had his "picture made" with me....  Our team was great; we cut up all night and just had fun!!
I sure needed that.
Lord, help me through this difficult time; help me to be still and know that you are GOD!  You will work this out for me in your time.  I love you!  AMEN.....

Start by asking yourself whether each of your relationships drags you down or lifts you up. Surrounding yourself with positive, loving people is half the battle of living a happy, successful life.


When the ‘want’ gets stronger, the ‘how’ gets easier.


I don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.


Embrace change. As uncomfortable as it is sometimes, change allows us to stretch and grow. New things feel awkward and scary at first, but those feelings go away, and you are left with something bigger and bolder in your life.


Learn to adjust the sails of your life to unpredictable winds, while keeping your focus clear on your destination. And keep sailing until you get there.


As you strive to achieve your goals and dreams you can count on there being some fairly substantial disappointments along the way. Don’t get discouraged, the road to your dreams may not be an easy one. Think of these disappointments as challenges - tests of persistence and courage - that life throws at you during your journey. They are necessary and are meant to help you grow as a person.


If you want something in your life you’ve never had, you’ll have to do something you’ve never done.


It’s not so much what you say that counts, it’ how you make people feel.


Mistakes teach you important lessons. Every time you make one, you’re one step closer to your goal. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.


Change is the only permanent thing in life.


Sooner or later, you just want to be around the people who make you smile.

Dear Lord,
Each day is a new challenge, especially right now.  I know you are working in me to create something special; I know the difficulties I face are life changing; I also know the pain I feel can't compare to the joy that is coming.  Lord, continue to hold me up, give me strength and guide me each step of the way.  I feel very vulnerable right now.  It feels like the life I am living just sucks the life right out of me.  I feel stagnant unless I am reading your word or reading something inspirational about You or listening to music or preaching about You, Lord.
So many times I find tears falling when I am thinking on these things....  Lord, give me your strength and comfort! AMEN....